Stop Swearing!

I’m told that I should not use profanity. Not when I’m talking. Not when I’m writing. And possibly, not even when I’m thinking. My first response to that is, “What the #%!&? How am I supposed to communicate?” I am a retired enlisted guy from the Air Force. That’s right. Once upon a time I was Sergeant Simpson. It’s virtually impossible for an enlisted guy to have a productive military career without swearing. In fact I’m certain it’s #%!& impossible.

After my Air Force career, I worked construction for twenty plus years and half of that was in the Caribbean. Down in the islands I fought with Jamaicans about minute details like, “No! The water main is to run up the wall and then go “IN” to the #%!& house. Not OUT of the #%!& house. Good god!” To be fair, I recall asking construction workers in Florida things like, “Are you sure that chandelier is supposed to be two feet from the center of the dining room ceiling? Maybe you should look at the #%!& plans every once in a while. You know… just to humor me.”

When I worked in St Kitts I was building a Catholic School and the Priest was more or less my boss. (Poor guy). Belinda, my Kittitian bookkeeper and right hand woman once yelled at me, “Brian! You cannot swear at the priest.”

“Hey,” I answered. “If a priest can’t forgive me for swearing, then I’m just #%!&.” Everything seems to have worked out just fine between me and the priest and to be fair, I swore at Belinda more than I swore at him. She paid absolutely no attention to me.

Then of course there has been the last half decade of living on the planet Earth where at least half the population of the world has gone completely bonkers and lost their #%!& minds. How the #%!& do I not swear about that? How does one not swear when there are more than a few educated adults who believe the world is flat? Seriously? How do you not call them a bunch of dumb #%!&?

Last week I stumbled onto a story about Pastafarianism. It’s a religion where the followers believe that #%!& pasta is evil. That’s wrong on so many #%!& levels I can only do one thing. Swear! First of all, never tell me that anything Italian is #%!& evil. Never! And second… #%!&! I’ve got nothing.

And just to rile up a whole bunch of you well intentioned folks out there, I’ve been told since 1978 that Florida was going to be under water in five or ten years. For over four #%!& decades we’ve been told over and over and over that the end is right around the #%!& corner. Still waiting.

So, I sit here pondering whether or not I should clean it up a bit and I think, are you #%!& kidding me? You’re lucky that I don’t swear even more. If people are going to continue to do and say stupid #%!&, then the they should be prepared for a certain level of profanity. That’s my thoughts about the whole #%!& situation.

FYI… My wife is going to disapprove of this blog. In fact, she’ll probably give me a fair amount of #%!& about it. I’ll get over it.